for those of us who tried but didnt make it

This is a proposal sketch for a student exhibtion at the Catalyst Arts Gallery in Belfast, obviously I want the final piece to be larger, more posters and ideally I'd like it if there were new posters put up daily, sent in via different mediums, so i'd fax some through, email them, post them up, that sort of thing. We'll see how it all turns out though.

sometimes i feel weak so much so that i cant speak

these are the internal shots of my degree show space, they go along with the banner and plaque bellow, the only thing not pictured is the plaque with the flowers that reads "i just want to die without you"


banner is stamped and reads "this may be the year i disappear"


this roll reads "i record my mistakes but i never learn"

the faxes read "you deserve everything you get" and there is one a day for 18 months...

i can turn your tide

work in location as part of my degree show at the glasgow school of art

we dont see eye to eye, or hear ear to ear

550 odd faxes... one every day for a year and a half... all with the repeated text "you deserve everything you get"

each file has 7 faxes inside it

set your soul on fire

always something there to remind me

some more digital test shots for a film i'm waiting to get processed... strangely enough (considering i worked in a cinema) i didnt really consider that just behind cinema seats are really dark... if the film doesnt come out as hoped then i'll probably just put the plaque on the back of a chair in my degree show space... hmmm

old habits die hard when you've got a sentimental heart

repainted and re-shot... i think i like this one better... less cluttered... this is just a test shot though... got to send the film off tomorrow... joy

there is a light that never goes out

another bunch of unsuccessful works... well... i love this... i love that you have to look into the light to read the text... and that in doing so the light burns out your retina for a while... but as mentioned by my tutors its just not right for my degree show space... and they're completely right... in fairness i hadnt put the work together until this morning so its ok... i did however go out and buy a lightbox to try that out...

i like this a lot more... the only problem being the lightbox itself looks a little awkward... but i dont know if thats a problem which detracts from the work or not... it doesnt for me... but i think i need to ask someone else what they think...

and if you cant read the text above it reads as follows:

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door."

think of all the beauty you left behind

i'm not sure this is working either... i keep getting this horrible feeling that i've just started doing bad design work instead of art... it'll sort itself out soon enough... well... its not like i've got much choice!

i cant tell you what this means

these are the baby steps for one of the pieces of work i want to put into my degree show... i basically want a full wall of postcards... i think i really like it... but... who knows... fingers crossed tho eh?

i supposes theres nothing i can do

the smaller postcard text reads "i'm not coming back to you"

the card on the left is one of those usually awful free postcards you get in pubs and cafes...
i like the fact i'm talking back to it - using a quote from a lovely book called 'the history of love'

this may be the year i disappear

i cant tell you enough

Don't tell me you don't love me.

words fail me

sometimes the words in my head just get stuck and spelling them out is the easiest way to escape them

i feel like i've spent my whole life having people talk at me, we're not really having conversations, i'm just receiving.
i have all of these words and sentences running through my head like a record on repeat... and i dont always know where their from, its books and tv and the radio and pop music and films and friends and people i dont even know... and in amongst that is every thing i've ever thought...
with all these words i running through my head it makes me realise how little i'm actually communicating in my day to day life... i feel like i should save up all the things i blurt out in everyday life... i should save it all up and only ever say amazingly witty and intelligent things in order to dazzle you all

small steps in the darkness

I'm not a writer.
I don't even think I'm an artist.
I can't tell you what you're thinking.
And I doubt I can even tell you what I'm thinking.
But maybe if I can try to tell you what I'm feeling I can get you to admit that sometimes, quietly, when no-one else is looking, secretly just before you fall asleep or while you're waiting for a bus, you feel that way too.
All I know is the more I do this the more people seem to agree.

We always feel the need to tell teenagers and children that they'll grow out of this, that when you're older you'll feel better about living in your own skin, that people are kinder and that life isn't so over-whelming, just because that's what they need to hear. The problems occur when these things don't change and you find yourself twenty-something and still feeling the same, but in fact worse because everyone said you'd grow out of it, and you just don't understand what's so wrong with you because you didn't grow out of it.

I find it difficult to take my heart off my sleeve, and I'm slowly giving up on the idea that I can make you understand exactly what is happening in my heart and in my head. I'll always feel a little bit misunderstood and a little bit fragile about showing you words that speak of those sensations that sweep across my body forcing me to stay in bed for days on end.

But this is what I need to avoid. And hopefully showing you will help both of us.

I think these days people are lonelier than any other days. Communication is so flippant. Mostly people aren't really talking but I think that might be because nobody is really listening.

I don't want to dilute what I'm saying any more. Flippancy with anybodies feelings can only end in misery for everybody.

I want you to feel uncomfortable because you never realised that the people you surround yourself with are so fragile and broken. I want you to see how bad it can really get so maybe we can stop this epidemic of emotional isolation.

There will be times in your life where an aching feeling of loss will consume you to the stage where you can't move your feet anymore. I want to prepare you for those times, so they don't feel alien anymore, so you realise that attending to them and sharing them will make everything in the future a little bit easier.

This isn't therapy, or a feminine issue. This is everyone we know, this is every day and it's our emotional well being on the line. And it makes me sad to think that you can't recognise that.

Everything I'm writing is for anyone who has ever felt neglected, or lonely. It's for everyone who ever felt lost along the way. It's not a light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe it's a hand to hold that helps you through the darkness.

glasgow 14/02/08

some days all you need is proof

some of the signs of life

I'm tired of waiting for you

i'm trying to think of ways to reach out to you... we spend so much time communicating... blogging... IM-ing... wall-post... texts... emails... but i get the feeling people just aren't talking... i dont think anything important or meaningful is being said... and even if it is... i'm not sure people are really willing to listen at lot of the time
well i'm hoping that by forcing these occasionally brutally honest texts on people through my work i can make them attend to what they're sweeping aside... i'm hoping i can make people realise that at times they feel the same...